Last night, I was feeling down a bit again. Goes in waves in guess, couldn't pull myself out of it. My brain tries to find patterns, it generally does. Finds em in things that make me realize that perhaps everything matters the same way that nothing matters. In both the real and the inverse, the consequences come out to the same, an end. It's simply which of the journeys you want to float along with till it ends.
There was maybe a month in my life since probably my mid twenties, where I felt truly happy. I know none of it was real, it was simply me valuing my self on some one else's perceived value of me.
Funny how they actually didn't value me at all, but I believed I was valued because of that falsehood. I'd never felt that feeling before, or probably never will after. Because the reality of it is it wasn't anything special, and my value has always been the same, I know I'm alright, I did everything I could to get there and stay there. My belief in myself has never wavered in anything but that, since that's the only thing where your value is subject to someone else view of you.
What I didn't realize is that by doing that I was putting myself in a losing proposition. Since I couldn't be valued anyway. I didn't exist, was simply a holding pattern while time passed. What a weird predicament. Or more generally what a psychotic person, thank the universe that that chaos will never interfere with my life again.
Feel happy knowing that now. Man, progress, no matter how small, must be celebrated, and this one is going down in the books, cause damn, making the judgment was the thing I was struggling with, I guess I realized that that's the issue I had with myself. But now, I can make em at any moment, makes sense. Sometimes ya just got to make the judgment call once you realize the music stopped. American pie.