Memories

john | May 19, 2021, 6:12 a.m.

I truly despise some of mine.  There would be moments in life that I was stuck on some.  I'm still unsure if I would be the one that would manifest them, or if they would manifest themselves.

They would just repeat, day in and day out.  I was a broken record, at least internally.  It's odd too, in my life the only thoughts that repeat are those that are caused by people.  To me.

Things I've done, there are occasionally one or two that I feel a bit bad about, but in generally I'd say I'm okay with my life actions. 

It's just a bit odd to me that certain thoughts stay stuck.  In a sense I'm able to resolve it with time.  At times though that can be years.  I've gotten better over my life at dealing with it.

Someone once told me I had a high IQ.  Another person even ventured to call me a genius.  I scoffed.  There are so many things I know my limitations so brutally well, that I know I'm far from any of those praises.

Even if I was of any level of intelligence, how would you even judge it.  A test is not a proper barometer of intelligence.  It is simply that persons ability to solve that specific type of problems.

Too many variables to account for to even begin to determine that stupidity.  It's not even worth the time honestly.  Who cares if some one is smart or not.  What does it help.  In a sense, I think of Forrest Gump.  As absurd as that situation is, it is in fact not only possible, but probably loosely based on events in life.

The smartest person could be living in Gaza right now, and we would never know.  They might of already gotten bombed.  What can they do with all their intelligence anyways.  I don't know what it is I want. 

I want to be at peace with myself.  I am mostly, but those memories.  The ones that I'll never understand.  I suppose that's the reason they recurred.  They where unsolvable to my idiotic brain.  At times I had a friend or two hear me out.

One actually gave me the solution to the problems.  It made perfect sense.  Maybe it was just me that was the problem.  A bit of a recluse, a bit of an eccentric, a bit of an idiot. 

I actually have a theory, that stupidity has advanced us far further than intelligence ever could.  I'd almost venture to say that it's funny because it's right.  The best comedy is the most truthful.  The expression of the human condition.  The one that just makes you grin.  For no reason.  The absurdity of life.

I'm just rambling again.  It feels nice though.  The feeling I was struggling with, seems to have subdued a bit.  It feels as though I didn't solve it, but I at least tamed it.

Like most things though, I'm sure it's only temporary.  Like perfection.

I was having a chat with a old friend about perfection.  The reason that word is on my mind, is simply because I've used it wrong once in my life, which lead to that situation ending.  I've also been learning french, and that has been recently in the vocabulary.

No reason to learn it.  It causes me joy to watch the few people I know who speak it, see me stumble through it.  Their look of surprise when I manage to articulate, badly, my thoughts.

That's the joy that comes from the language. My brain is feeling a bit better.  It's feeling like it's depleted this useless thought.  The one that was bothering me for a minute.

I'm still unsure why I write.  To you of all people, the reader.  I'm still struggling with that one.  It's okay, I'm a bit slow at times.  Or maybe it's all the time, but since I don't keep track of time I never really know.

I miss you.  Not that it matters.  It never does.  It simply is a thought.  A feeling.  A memory.