Where is my mind

john | June 7, 2023, 4:25 a.m. Uncategorized

The pixies piano cover of that song is something to be admired.  To quote a YouTube comment about it, "This song opens up your heart and makes you examine all the broken pieces you cut yourself on."  I don't know if that's how I feel about it, but I do feel something.

I can listen it on repeat.

Every once in a while that happens, a song overwhelms me.  Something about the melody of life being transposed into an emotion that you drift with, its transfixing.

This is one of those moments.  I don't know why it is though.  I feel this happens in my life when I am at a cross roads.  Not one that I am acutely aware of clearly, but one that I do feel.  This one probably has to do with my state of play.

One can not run a marathon without doing some training.  Then again, I did an ironman without much training.  That was a dumb idea.

But that isn't why I'm writing this.  I'm writing this because I am trying to figure out what it is about me that needed to hear this song on repeat.  The first time I became aware of it was when watching Mr. Robot, although I am sure that is not the first time I heard it.  

I don't remember the specific moment that song came on, it's been a bit since I watched that series, but I do remember hearing it and thinking, I must know what this is.

It doesn't matter in the end though.  Even if it did, I would still listen to it on repeat.  It happened multiples before.  Each time with a different song, and never one I expected.

Its been a struggle to write this.  Maybe that's what the song was trying to teach me.  That even when there is calmness, it is still a struggle.  Maybe Dangerfield was right.

I don't know though, I can't seem to agree with his thesis.  It's hard to view the world like he did.  I mean he got no respect.  That's gotta take a toll on a man.  Not that I've gotten much respect, but enough to not be jaded.

There was a man in an elevator, he asked me how my day was going.  I told him well, that I was looking forward to the day.  He said I must be a glass half full kind of man.  I told him no, that I am just a satisfied man, since clearly I just drank half the glass.

There it is, its getting easier now.  It's always like this isn't it?  You know, you feel yourself smiling now.  Dammit, the cheeks are hurting again.  Fucking happiness, there it goes, doing its thing again.  Yet this doesn't feel done.  Maybe its the sobriety talking.  But I doubt it, because I'm still writing.

As always, I write when I want to avoid doing something, or maybe I write to understand something.  Nope, I know I don't do it for either, I do it for both and more.  I do it for you.  Or me.  Or neither.  I don't care at all honestly.  I just write.  It's a ramble, that's what it is.  I felt the need to ramble.

But there is still more to be written.  It's as if I am searching for the internal peace in this post.  I can't seem to finish it yet.  Maybe it's because the song is still on repeat.   I just keep smiling.  It's as if I finally feel the weight gone.  I feel me.  No one else.  I must thank Mary for that one.