October 20th, 2024

john | Oct. 20, 2024, 3:48 p.m. Uncategorized

Well, I think its broken finally.  That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Although there was in fact a day I couldn't get out of bed.  That was dark and heavy.  But morning has broken.  Still think about it, but seems like in engineering where if you're having issues with the problem you can simply change the axis to make it easy.

Here, I finally re-framed it. The true question was did I do everything right? Or more so, did I do it to the best of my abilities at the time and did I ever do anything I think was actually wrong, at least to the best of my judgment.  And honestly, no.  I feel fine with the effort I put in.  I think I gave it my best, and maybe that wasn't enough, and that's okay.

I may at some point have said the wrong thing, but perhaps that was due to the inability to fully grasp the situation I was in at that point.  Either way I still don't think there was much if anything I could of done, it was never my choice to begin with after I made the attempt anyways, that was the best I could do.  Regardless, I think I'm okay with it.  That was dark, deep, and heavy.  Wouldn't wish that on anyone, but as it goes, sometimes you need to be deep-rested.

And I don't know if I'll ever get to say it, or more so, if I'll ever say it, so maybe I'll write it knowing it'll never be read by her anyways.  Minus the pain, the depression, the sadness, and the confusion.  The impact of the drive it gave me when I was with her, is already showing itself in every way.

I can honestly say, the second she came into my life.  My life got better.  Despite her leaving, just that few window in time changed me.  The rest, well, that was out of my control and that's the final lesson here.  It was her choice all along to make it work or not.  She didn't like me enough at any time because before, during, and after she was already anxiously awaiting the one she really wanted.