john | June 27, 2022, 3:44 p.m.
I've had this recurring dream lately. Past few days. I'm arguing with an unreasonable man. I know the man. I would not speak highly of this man, as I think him to be despicable. But perhaps madman would be better fit. Although they are simply synonyms of each other.
It amazes me that it took this for me to understand the meaning of faith. Faith is of course "the assent of the mind to the truth of a proposition or statement for which there is not complete evidence; belief in general." At least according to Wordnik.
The part of this conflict that lacks evidence of course, is my old belief. The belief was that despite my insurmountable efforts to be a decent human with this madman, regardless of what they have done, that they would treat me as a respectable human. Instead, they only took pleasure in trying to orchestrate my demise, every step of the way. Despite their best and perpetual efforts to try and sabotage my life, I did not fail. It's as if, to quote Gatica, "Is the only way you can succeed is to see me fail?"
It brings attention to the inner conflict I have with this. There is a part of me that longs for resolution, knowing there never has been, and never will be. There could never be, as the man, despite my best efforts throws reason out the door when I am involved.
It doesn't matter though. It never has, I had just put meaning on this imaginary notion of what I thought a relationship with another human was suppose to be. Since most, if not all the other relationships I have had in my life reciprocated respect. I had of course fooled myself to believe, despite all the evidence, that this person actually had my best interest in mind. Since I had theirs. Freud would call this a projection. They of course didn't have my best intentions in mind and they never have. Instead they have only had their interests in mind. And that involved my failure.
Now, here I mull the conflict. Although, like most things, once I become aware of situation. I am able to resolve it. My conscious self had found peace with it. I had learned to have faith in myself. It's funny really, since the one thing I always had, was that. Just not in that one subject. That subject had tortured me for the majority of my life. As I was never able to understand why. Or to be more specific, the reason for the treatment I received.
Such as doing things that to any reasonable man would seem preposterous, unless you realize that their intention was to make you fail for their joy. Then, well it doesn't seem so unreasonable. It seems mad. And a madman, has no reason. The fundamental axiom of the scientific method. Reason. Which, I finally was able to grasp.
So well see, perhaps the dream will end now and my subconscious and conscious will be at peace with each other.
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