john | April 2, 2022, 12:59 a.m.
What a day. Had some issues on a site. At first I thought it was a distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attack. It turned out that I just had coded a tricky piece of logic a while ago, badly. That lead for this bug that was really hard to track down, but caused everything to crash.
Thankfully learned how to debug a bug of that caliber so next time if something that obscure happens, well. Still probably wont solve it quickly but at least will know how to solve it.
There are a few times I notice how much my thinking has changed. Matured is the right word I think there, although maybe become more enlightened might also suffice. The things you start to notice or realize. At times a piece of information is so pivotal.
Other times it happens due to chemistry and the kindness of people. In their frustration with you they point to fact about something you felt but did not notice. Then they do the amazing, and keep picking at it. Till you feel it shatter and dissipate around you. Word by word.
You would never see that person again. That was their parting gift. One that honestly I'll never be able to thank them enough for. It is so odd to know that was there for so long. Sick really, that the body is able to carry around a darkness like that for long, till it cracks.
It has happened to me specifically in memory one other time. That time it was my buddy Ben. He gave me the solution to the problem, but that one I was aware and I was looking for. This one I guess I knew was there, but had never confronted it or been able to grasp it. It was elusive, and finding the root is easy. Finding the root of most those problems became much easier once I was able to remove the constant barrage of evil really.
Now I'm liberate from the feelings of it. I sit here and ponder the simple things in life. I made some mistakes yesterday. Although they don't feel like mistakes. In reality it feels like I did what I had to do. The end result is always the same, but now I understand the difference. My dutch friend and his acts of drunken logic.
I've been killing time, but I guess I should stop that now too. Go work out. It feels nice. A lot of things feels nice, but the one that feels nice in this moment is having muscle. It takes a long time to get. It comes and goes too if you don't keep at it.
But life is long if you're lucky. So the routine is just simply go. At times it takes a bit longer to get back in the routine. Sometimes you end up with a month, maybe even four doing nothing. Then slowly, the desire to go run comes back. The desire to go do some push ups. Dips. Hand stands. Remembering that in college, I couldn't do a push up. Learned that while in a group of kids and we all dropped and did some, except me. Everyone laughed at me. Then I got beaten up by an eight year old.
I'm kidding he was seven. Either way. It feels nice to have it.
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