That's very Gatsby of you

john | July 27, 2024, 7:03 a.m. An attempt

"That's very Gatsby of you," S. said as I described my elaborate plan to win her back. I had read The Great Gatsby when I was a child, and her comparison stung. The book’s portrayal of grand gestures seemed painfully accurate. I was aghast—how could it have been so obvious to everyone but me? The book had seemed like the only solution to my problem, yet I was unaware that I was mirroring its very narrative.

In the vein of Gatsby, my efforts were also futile. Our lives could never truly coexist. No matter what I did, who I was, or what I created, it would never be enough because, in the end, I was not the person she wanted.

But this isn't just about my heartbreak. Heartbreak comes and goes, and I'm sure it will visit me again. Like a sailboat in the ocean, it might capsize, but when it does, you just swim down, unhook the sail, and flip it back over.

What fascinates me is how a book I read decades ago manifested as the only solution to a problem I couldn't solve. There was no real solution; the only answer seemed to be to not be myself—a tall order, given that it's all I know. This isn’t the first time I've experienced this. It makes me wonder how many of the books I’ve read I’m living through vicariously.

The books I prized may have had less impact than those I loathed—or perhaps a mix of both. It amuses me to think that the lessons these books tried to teach fell on deaf ears. I had to live through it to truly understand, and only then did I recognize the futility of it all.

My attempt with S. was already a failure. The only real solution would have been to be someone else. But perhaps that’s the tragedy: it was inevitable that they would meet and like each other. That’s where the déjà vu emerged.

If only this realization could rid me of the feeling. It underscores the absurdity of how men often approach relationships. Gatsby’s plight lay in his need to reinvent himself entirely. Or, perhaps, he could have simply liked someone else. But then he wouldn’t have been Gatsby.